Continuing the series about the new talk I’ve been giving…
GRUNTLED: A Comedian’s Take on Happiness
Part I: What is happiness?
Part II: Why are we unhappy?
Here’s Part III…
Remember the ending of Part II? Probably not. It’s been a while. Here’s where we left off:
Happiness is a quotient. I want to be careful with “expectations” because “lowering your expectations” has become kind of worn-out. It’s really…
“You have to increase the numerator… decrease the denominator…”
How? This month, we start with increasing the numerator. A set of things you should DO.
#1: Be optimistic. Yes, some of this is in your genes. But optimism is a mindset and it can be learned through practice. Optimists have more fun. Sure, we're spectacularly wrong sometimes, but only at the end. We have a lot more good times during the journey, which is the majority of the ride, anyway. The end is short. To wit: I was doing standup in the Belly Room at The Comedy Store here in LA. The show was Crack’EmUp Thursdays; most of the room was Black. I asked this woman in the front row, “What’s your favorite movie?” She replied flamboyantly, “My life’s a movie, baby.” Big laugh. I waited. And then: “Well, I hate to ruin it, but you die at the end.” Huge laugh. Including her. From a performance standpoint, it was a massive risk. But philosophically, it’s not something she didn’t already know. She knows she dies at the end. However, she’s living her best life right now. My advice to you? Be like that Black woman in the front row.
The point is that life is a bit like the TV series LOST. The ending was extremely disappointing to most of us; in fact, the last couple of seasons experienced a fairly sharp decline. Then again, that’s a lot like life. You do indeed die at the end, which is this huge bummer. And in retrospect, the show was confusing as hell. But to me, life isn't meant to be figured out. It's meant to be enjoyed. And I loved watching LOST while it was on. I’ll call that a win.
Years ago, I was telling my friend Alok about a woman who hadn't texted me back in a while. (This better be years ago, considering I’m celebrating my 10th wedding anniversary in 42 days.) Alok said, "That sucks." I go, "No, it's good. If she were texting me back right away, she's probably friend-zoning me. The fact that she's making me wait and gaming me a bit means she's probably interested." [Long pause.] Alok: "Man, I wish I could look at things the way you do."
I’ll one-up myself: I was in the crowd when my old roommate, comic Hasan Minhaj, interviewed TV legend Norman Lear. His most outstanding piece of advice was this: live your life as if the world were created just for you. That blue sky? For you. That cool car that just shot down the street? For you. You don’t have to “own” it. It’s still here for your enjoyment. It's a spectacular point-of-view.
Of course, I suppose it has its limitations. As the old joke goes:
The Smiths are heading out to work in the morning.
Across the street, they see another couple, the Joneses.
Mr. Jones brings Mrs. Jones in for a kiss and lays a passionate one on her that goes on for 15 seconds.
Scowling, Mrs. Smith asks, “How come you never do that?”
“Because I don’t know her that well.”
They say you’re the average of the five people with whom you spend the most time. The next time you’re at a conference, during a break, there’ll be two types of circles: the positive people who are gleaning everything they can out of the day and the negative people who are crapping all over everything. Come join our negative circle because that’s where the comedians will be. No, seriously. Get into a positive circle.
You can’t always leave your team (or your wife, Mrs. Smith). That’s where this writer’s advice comes in:
“Don't always try to find the best people. Try to find the best IN people.”
— Ernest Hemingway
That sounds really cheesy but I’ve learned it from nearly 20 years of doing standup comedy. You don’t get to replace the live audience in front of you. You do the best with what you have, even if only five people showed up that night. I mean, when's the last time in real life that I decided not to be funny because only five of my friends were there? You bring it no matter what. In school, I could focus on why that table has all the cool kids. Or I could try to find a way to do something that made us cool. Anyone can get the best out of the best. Can you get an A job out of the B team? That’s leadership.
Office politics wears on us. And it’s easy sometimes to get caught up in gamesmanship. But getting cheated occasionally is the small price for trusting the best in everyone, because when you trust the best in others, they generally treat you best.
“Pride is concerned with who is right. Humility is concerned with what is right.”
— Ezra T. Benson
There are two types of people: those with an abundance mentality and those with a scarcity mentality. The former believe that there’s enough to go around for everybody. The latter believe that if somebody else has or gets something, that there’s less for me. Technically, that’s true, because resources aren’t infinite. But the world's a big place. The extent to which you believe that resources and opportunities are plentiful can determine your happiness. So, adopt an abundance mentality. Think both/and, not either/or.
One of the downsides of living in a society that’s seemingly always focused on growth is that we think that, if we slow down or enjoy the moment, we’ll lose our edge. At the same time, we know that if we DON’T, we’ll burn out. What to do?
My friends David and Milena (not pictured above) told me…
“My wife and I offer a toast at dinner every night. Over the years, we learned to toast only what happened today rather than what we hope will happen tomorrow. Doing so makes it a practice of gratitude instead of wish-fulfillment.”
Look. There’s a time for both. You can be ambitious and grateful. I treat it like parentheses: In the morning, I wake up and meditate. In the middle, I go out and kick ass and use people as stepping stones. And at night, I pray for forgiveness.
Kidding aside, as fast as I live my life, I do take time to stop and smell the roses. At almost every big occasion, I always take a few seconds and think/feel, "Wow. I'm here right now." I have these frames frozen vividly in my mind, whether being a ball boy back at the Cincinnati Open or throwing down with my friends at our 20-Year High School Reunion. I've historically been the coordinator, calling and texting everybody to all come out and party. If we're going to a club, by the time everybody gets drinks and makes it out to the dance floor and you're all in a circle, that moment is so ephemeral. It probably lasts about ten minutes. And what makes it all worth it is if you can take a mental snapshot and capture it. (Or, um, take a real photo. But here’s the thing: that one in your mind has more emotion attached to it.)
When I think of high school, I think mostly about sitting in my 9th grade Earth Science class. It’s May of 1994. No A/C. Windows open. The traffic on Route 4. The occasional waft of Waffle House across the road. The constant hum of the huge green floor fan. My head resting against one of my hands as I watch Mr. Kinnard at the chalkboard. He was a total jokester. But one serious observation that stuck with me was when he said, over and over, as the year came to a close:
“There will never be a time again when this same group of people will be sitting in a room together. At Graduation, you may all be there, but there will be lots of other people, too. This is one of the last times we’ll all be assembled like this.”
It was so final and it also made us cherish the moment.
Life operates on a delay system: you work hard all autumn for results that you might not see until the spring. So sometimes it feels like you’re hitting a plateau—and sometimes you are. However, it could be a work plateau or a results plateau. The former is when you’re in a funk and not getting much done and the other is when it seems like you’re working hard and it isn’t paying off. But it will. Sometimes life is like a spring: you’re pressed down until you have enough potential energy to catapult upwards.
Speaking of energy… We’re used to considering Money and Time. If I’m driving to San Francisco, I take Time and Money into account. But you need to also consider how you’ll feel once you arrive. That’s energy. I’d never understand when people would say, “Is it far from LA to San Fran?” “Yeah, but it’s a straight shot.” Yeah, the MOON is a straight shot but it’s far. As I’ve gotten older, though, I realize that “straight shot” and “feels farther” are energy. Fewer turns, less energy expended.
Manage your energy by replenishing. I love the way my brother Vikas approaches this: he always has his next vacation booked, usually to Las Vegas. Just having it on the calendar—with money down—makes it real, even if it’s three months away. It gives him something to look forward to.
The app developers know what they’re doing. They design these apps to be enticing. Little-known fact: you can switch your phone to grayscale. It becomes a tool, not a toy.
I try to minimize the total number of messages. This works especially well with texts. I don’t like to reply immediately as it usually leads to a back-and-forth conversation. So when my phone chimes, I reply to the text from the person below it.
Don’t kick the can into next week: When you get an invitation to do something in the future, ask yourself: would you accept this if it were scheduled for tomorrow? Not too many events will pass that immediacy filter.
A great way of saying no is “not me” or “not now.” For the former: “Here’s somebody who can do this.” For the latter, say, “I can give you 10 minutes tomorrow or an hour in a few weeks.” They’ll almost always take the immediate 10.
And finally… back to Ernest Hemingway, who would literally stop in the middle of a sentence so he knew where to pick up the next day. You might not be writing The Old Man and the Sea but you could use this when writing your next memo. Just start the next section and you’ll return with momentum.
That’s it on the numerator. How do we decrease the denominator? It’s also a mindset adjustment. More next month… “Don’t Do Those Things.”
Rajiv Satyal is a comedian and a Happiness Consultant. He resides in LA.